A Bum Deal…

This week, I will be mostly standing up. Partly because it hurts too much to sit down but mainly because I was given the pert little backside of a teenager on Monday and I’d rather everyone took a good look while it lasts. I am bruised and battered but my jeans are dangling gratifyingly from my thighs and what price a tighter tush?

Want one of your own? Go to Neville Hair & Beauty and ask for Tania, the former black belt judo champion now known as The Cellulite Slayer. She will break you but it will be worth it, because when the bruising dies down (yes, there will be bruising) you will have the skin of a peach, really, and everything will look a bit sleeker, higher and firmer right from the get-go. And after an hours-worth of teeth-clenching kneading, draining and cupping (with a suction device specially sourced from the Ukraine, no less) you’d hope so. Anyhow, it’s the only treatment that’s left my clothes too big for me…even three days in, they’re still slipping off.

As with all such treatments a course is recommended for longer-lasting results, in this case somewhere between four and six. At £120 a pop (or £1000 for ten) that’s quite an investment but if I had the cash, I’d willingly hand it over. I’d rather have skipped the bit where Tania told me that champagne is nothing but cellulite in liquid form (I’ve read this of fizzy water but have never felt the need to look into it until now) but she did concede that giving it a quick stir to break up the bubbles does help a tiny bit.

The bottom line? It costs but it works. Even if I haven’t sat down since Monday.


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